After last night, I could never be a politician.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Randomize
