The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
