i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
