you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
