i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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