This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
