it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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