when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
