if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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