I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
