chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
