Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
