Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I stole a fireplace last night.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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