I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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