I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
