i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Two words: nipple clamps
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