cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
