wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
