Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
