You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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