So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
