The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Randomize
