I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
