i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
