I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Randomize
