I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
