She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
