I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
