Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
