im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
We left the knife in your bed.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
