You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
