I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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