i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
