I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
two words...techno handjob
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
