My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
