my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
