Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
