Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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