Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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