..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
