When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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