last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
