Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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