She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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