Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
