just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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