i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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