you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
