We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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