Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
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